I spent a good deal of time this evening revisiting my past self. She’s saved here on this blog, in every word and every sentence a little bit of my soul was placed for all to who care to see.
Do you ever find yourself wishing you could go back in time and tell yourself that everything works out alright, even though it seems utterly hopeless in that moment? You are not alone. Hindsight can be a beautiful thing.
I am currently 21 years old, married, been working at a family-run daycare for a little over two years and am no longer going to school for anything that isn’t required by my job. If I could go back to my past self, even just a few years ago, I would in a heartbeat. I wrote a post about the struggles I was facing at the end of my year at CSU- that is the moment in my life I would go back to, if I could.
I would go back and hug that younger, sadder me and let her cry on my shoulder and then I would tell her: “You make it through. Your story doesn’t end here, you don’t become homeless and not even a year from now you meet the love of your life and start a whole new adventure you can’t even begin to imagine right now.”
As I sit here writing, I am marveling at the true, wondrous beauty of the complexity of life. We all experience life in a linear fashion, but sometimes we get a chance to look back and revisit where we were somewhere in our past and see how millions of excruciatingly small details led us to where we are at this very moment. The details so tiny that if even one had gone a different way, your entire life would be completely different. This post is the culmination of some of those moments.
Many of my friends are graduating this upcoming December and I find myself feeling more and more content with walking down an aisle towards my soulmate than walking down one to collect a piece of paper. I am so glad to have reached this outlook on life this evening, I really needed to know that everything gets better if you give it time.
Let me explain. A few weeks ago I was congratulating one of my husband’s oldest friends on a blog post he wrote about his work and as the conversation progressed this blog was brought up. Ever since, adding a new post has been on my mind but I haven’t found the right inspiration to actually write anything- until today.
Talking to that same friend, we were discussing the woes of our lives as they currently stand. Small things that won’t derail our entire existence but also don’t make getting out of bed in the mornings any easier. In the conversation, the phrase “ebb and flow” was used to describe the funk we both feel we are in and, reading over the ebbs recorded on this blog I felt the itching in my fingers to write about the flow that has since happened in my life.
So, here I am, coming around full circle to write a blog post for my future self to find one day and remember that life is truly made of the good and bad moments working together to paint a beautiful mural. Three years ago I was questioning my entire life and feeling lost as I tried to wrestle with what I wanted versus what I needed. Today, I’m watching Beauty and the Beast while I write a post and my heart is happy.
Yes, I’m experiencing another ebb in the course of my life; but I am more than content sitting here reminiscing about the beautiful flow that has brought me to this point. Right now, all the crap that has weighed me down seems a little less daunting- another flow will come and then another ebb, and Life. Will. Go. On. Beautifully.